Managing Difficult Behaviour
Managing Difficult Behaviour
By Sujatha Rajagopal
Every parent would agree that tantrums are number one on their list of dreaded childhood behaviour. The moment you feel an ear-shattering scream coming, it can be tempting to shout, scream or slam the door in return. Is there a better way? Yes, of course, but it will take time and loads of teeth-grinding patience on your part to make it work. Even the most good-natured child will, one day or another, test the limits of defiance on you, with some being more difficult than others. The best way to deal with it is to tell yourself that her behaviour is normal and will pass. Instead of giving in to frustration, treat each episode as an opportunity for education. It also helps knowing that these episodes are most common during the second year of life, and will usually become less frequent as her language skills improve sometime around her third year. Why the fuss? Tantrums and difficult behaviour are part and parcel of growing up. Children haven’t learnt how to control their emotions. When they encounter an experience or task that they cannot deal with, their only means of venting their frustration is kicking up a fuss. The most basic reasons for this fuss include: Seeking attention due to hunger, being tired or uncomfortable. Not being able to get what she wants or get you to do what she wants. Not being able to communicate or get her body to do what she wants. Your child’s frustration may not always be vented as a scream fest. It could take the form of whining, uncontrolled sobbing, kicking, hitting, biting or other forms of aggression, as well as being extra clingy or shy. Some of these may be more difficult to deal with than others.
Managing tantrums
Shouting at your child is only going to make things worse. Children do not know what is good or bad behaviour unless they are told beforehand. The best way to deal with an episode therefore, is to try and understand what is going on. So talk and explain instead of spanking or hitting. Physical punishment shows her that hitting is acceptable. Your child may also be tempted to exaggerate the issue. So don’t become a negative role model. Tell your child quietly but firmly that her behaviour is unacceptable and why. Indicate if you must that by changing her behaviour, she can expect some form of reward. A tantrum in a public place is better handled by bringing the child to a quiet spot and staying there with her till she calms down. Be consistent with the message you are giving your child; that is, if her behaviour is repeated, your response should be similarly firm and perhaps more stern the next time around. It will undoubtedly take a few tries and slip-ups, but keep this going and your child will understand that her behaviour does not please you and needs to be changed… but that you love her no matter what. And always follow-up on good behaviour with instant praises.
The following are some strategies you can try:
Behaviour Why and what to do
Aggression(snatching, hitting or kicking you or other children)
She may not mean to hurt. At this age, she is very focused on herself and may not understand the consequences of her actions. Help her by telling her why she shouldn’t behave this way. If the issue is about sharing something, introduce some food or toys that she likes very much, and encourage her to make the first move to share it with you or other children. Praise her or reward her instantly when she shares.
Clinginess
This is usually due to separation anxiety. If it is about leaving her at a day-care centre, be honest and explain that you will be back, and try to come back sooner for her first few days there. Do not be swayed by tears and do not show your own uneasiness at leaving her. Then, gradually prolong the length of separation.
Defiance and obstinacy
She may view the task or activity as uninteresting. Help her learn why she should do it. Explain that once she has completed the task or activity, she can do something that she enjoys.
Whining
She is seeking attention. Sit her down and using eye contact, talk in an even tone till her whining subsides. Let her know that you are listening to her. Ask her to speak as she would normally. Sometimes, although it is difficult, whining is better ignored. Remain quiet, but don’t leave your child or she may feel abandoned as well as upset.
Negativity
Behaviour such as refusing to cooperate is a natural part of growing up. Your child is merely asserting her independence. Explain why her behaviour is unacceptable. With an older child, you may be able to get her to see reason through role-play. Show her how being positive will help her achieve what she wants sooner.
Shouting
Again, an attention-seeking tool. Reassure your child that you are listening to her and she needn’t shout to get your attention. There may be reason for concern if she is constantly shouting as it may be a symptom of hearing problems. Have a doctor check your child to rule this out.
Hyperactivity
The key reason is usually over-stimulation. Do not allow your child to indulge in games or TV just before bedtime, and be firm about sleeping on time. Extreme cases of hyperactivity may require seeking professional help as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) could be the cause.
Preventing tantrums
1. With a little careful consideration, there are a number of ways in which you can prevent melt-downs altogether.
2. Keep rules short and simple and enforce them consistently.
3. Use short time-outs if misbehaviour is constantly repeated.
4. Ask yourself if your child is getting enough attention from you. You may not realise it but you may have been extra busy lately.
5. Allow her some control. She may be less likely to throw a tantrum if she knows that she can negotiate certain things with you.
6. Listen actively. Allow her to explain her feelings. Don’t jump in with your own conclusions.
7. Keep objects (like certain toys or cookies) that bring on struggles out of sight. When she doesn’t see them, she may be less likely to make demands.
8. Distract her by introducing a new activity or by bringing her out. This will help her forget the forbidden activity sooner.
9. Establish regular routines that include ample time for active outdoor play as well as rest.
10. Don’t make everything off-limits. Consider her request carefully, and if you feel that it is not too outrageous, accommodate it.
11. Learn to observe and understand her limits.
12. Avoid squeezing in one more errand when you’re out together if it is obvious that she is tired, hungry or sleepy.
13. Present a united front when both parents are disciplining the child. You may need to be extra firm if the reason is a health or safety issue. Show her that rules are rules when it comes to her well-being.
14. For serious issues, get help while the child is still young as it will take time for intervention to work.
15. Join a parent support group if you think you need more help coping.
16. The best defence: Nothing is more helpful than keeping a cool head. By exercising self-control, you are showing your child that you are working with her, and not against her, to achieve a solution. Whatever the problem, she looks to you for guidance. At the same time, never give in to difficult behaviour or hold a grudge. Your reaction will be crucial towards how she handles difficult situations in the future. So take a deep breath, think clearly and be ready with a smile and a reassuring hug when she shows that she understands.
Be alert, however, if your child’s outbursts are too frequent, if she is destructive or tends to hurt herself or others frequently. Seek medical advice as soon as possible to rule out psychological or mood disorders.
