I need a break
The Too Much Trap
Are you doing too much? Does your entire household revolve around you? When was the last time you took some time off for yourself? Just to be loose and silly? To do something you like?
Of course, we live in a competitive world and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to give our kids what our parents didn’t give us. But many experts feel modern parents are going overboard. To the extent that we pile on stress and end up overwhelming our kids too.
Here are three simple ways to avoid falling into the Too Much Trap and keep your health and sanity!
1. Feed yourself how you would feed your family.
A mum of three I know always ends up eating the kids’ take-out leftovers. Most times, she prepares well-balanced meals for her family but grabs packaged snacks for herself to save time. While her kids have a good breakfast, she survives from morning till noon on two cups of coffee, sometimes three.
Reasons to change this behaviour:
- People who constantly eat on-the-run eat mindlessly, without paying attention to nutrition and calories. This can lead to weight gain and life-threatening diseases like diabetes, cancer, stroke or heart problems. Why spend all that time you saved recovering in a hospital?
- Daily breakfast—even if it’s only one small bowl of whole-grain cereal and low-fat milk everyday—cuts down cravings for empty-calorie snacks like candy
- Studies show that sit-down family meals—even if it’s only one meal that you eat together a day—helps children avoid drugs and alcohol, maintain closer ties with their parents, feel loved and wanted and improve overall quality of life. It helps parents prevent stress and depression-related illnesses too
- When you eat healthily in front of your kids, you are modelling good eating behaviour. As a result, they will learn to make healthy eating choices on their own for the rest of their lives.
- Healthy eating doesn’t require much effort. E.g. everyday, place a bowl of washed fruit and homemade trail mix on the table. Include cereals, nuts and raisins for everyone to help themselves.
2. Playtime is for all ages
Mums, by definition, lead tightly-scheduled lives. Our kids often juggle not only school but also enrichment classes and a tonne of other things we feel they “have” to get done every day. Inadvertently, all unfinished tasks will spill into free days like weekends. No wonder children act up! They become withdrawn and less and less light-hearted. They may be getting naughtier too. Even if we give them some playtime, we don’t give them our unwavering attention (I used to use my son’s playtime to complete housework). And hands up every mum who rushes her child to play quickly so that he can do something else? See?
When this happened in my home, we established a Healing Routine. I had the license to fit in whatever we had to do from Mondays to Thursdays as long as they were completed by 5pm. Son had two hours of playtime thereafter—one hour without me so that I could complete my housework and the other hour for playing board games or listening to music together. Fridays, after his half-day at school, we keep solely for unhurried playground visits, shopping, badminton, reading together or painting.
The benefits have been manifold:
- I’ve noticed a great improvement in his behaviour and discipline
- I believe my son and I have both become much happier people
- I have become my son’s confidante. Something I hope we will continue into his adolescent years so that I don’t ever have to second-guess his friends or habits
- We have more time to focus on the arts—such as watching plays or listening to music and drawing
- Now, we get at least 30 minutes of exercise daily, even if it’s just a leisurely stroll through a shopping mall.
3. Do less…make your child do more. Dr Dan Kindlon, a Harvard psychologist, notes in his book Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age, that by doing so much for our kids, we might actually be harming them. He cites the example of a teenage girl who hopes her parents will shower her with more of their time and concern rather than credit cards and freedom.
Good parenting, experts say, is not so much about giving material goods or taking care of each and every need. Rather, they feel, we should equip kids with real-world tools to be self-sufficient. For instance, how to prepare a simple meal if mum is too tired to do so.
How to teach your child to be self-sufficient:
- Give any child who is above four years old minor chores to do around the house. E.g. picking up clothes or folding own laundry
- Any child who is older than five can be taught to fix a simple snack such as a peanut butter sandwich
- Resist the impulse to buy your child every new toy. Teach him to work for and save up for the toys he really wants
- Teach a young child to make little problems right by herself. Teach an older child to face minor problems in school by herself
- Discuss why you have rules. Even if you’re a liberal parent, help your child understand that the final word is always yours
- Relate stories about inspirational family members, historical figures or inventors and how they never gave up but conquered their challenges.
No family can be truly happy or successful if its anchor—usually the mother—is ill, stressed or depressed. By prioritizing your health and emotions, you will be prioritizing your family’s well-being too. When you’re happy and in good shape, your children will have the peace and security of knowing that you’re there for them.
There are many ways to take better care of yourself. The three steps outlined above are a good starting point. So don’t delay! Wondering how to beat the Too Much Trap now? Start this second by giving yourself a break!
